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« CakeSpy's Twinkie Killing Spree Featured on CNN! | Main | Sweet Discovery: Pasteis de Belem from Portugal »
Tuesday
Jan102012

Sweet Addendum: 51 Ways to Kill a Twinkie

CakeSpy Note: Given the recent news that Hostess, maker of Twinkies, is filing for Chapter 11, I would like to re-post this ode to the Twinkie (one of my post popular posts ever!), with an addendum: an honorary #51, "file bankruptcy"

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!

It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:


Twinkie #1: Die, Twinkie, Die!Twinkie #1: Dead
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.

 

Twinkie #2: Dead!Twinkie #2
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.

Twinkie #4
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.

Twinkie #5twinkie side view
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)

5. Shank it. 

Twinkie #6
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.

Twinkie #7: Listening to Randy Newman
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
8. Take it to a fat camp and see how long it lasts.

 

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
9. Teddy Graham attack!

Twinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling water
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.

Twinkie #10: In the grate!Twinkie #10: In the grate!
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.

Twinkie #11: Hurled at the Space Needle
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)

Twinkie #12: In the StreetTwinkie #12: Roadkill
13. Make it into roadkill.

Twinkie #13: Being Kind
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).

Twinkie #14: Impaled!
15. Impale it.

Twinkie #15: Chop it in Tiny Bits
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.

Twinkie #16: Make Croutons
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.

Twinkie #17: Make friends eat Croutons
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).

Twinkie #18: Salt
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?

Twinkie #19: Microwave
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.

Twinkie #20: Go all Damien Hirst on itDamien Hirst Twinkie
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!

Twinkie Tiramisu
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.

#22: Feed it to a snake
23. Feed it to a snake.

Twinkie #23Twinkie #3
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.

#41 Put bleach in its coffee
25. Put bleach in its coffee.

#23: Twinkie cut in half
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.

Twinkie Hot Dog
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!

Twinkie #27: Chair balance
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.

Twinkie #28: Heart Attack
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.

Twinkie Mad Science
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.

Twinkie #33: Instant breakfast
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!

Twinkie #31: Alcohol poisoning
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.

Twinkie #32: Death by literature
33. Use it as a bookend.

#33: Godzilla kills twinkie
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.

35. Dehydrate it.

#35: Give it to a Guinea Pig
36. Give it to a guinea pig.

#36: Skewered Twinkie
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?

#37: Twinkie Sushi
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)

Twinkie #39: Give it to Mariah Carey
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.

40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.

 

Twinkie Zombie attack!

41. Zombie attack!

 

Frozen Twinkie
42. Freeze it

#43: Death by kitchen fan

43. Put it in the kitchen fan.

 

#45: Doorstop
44. Use it as a doorstop.

#46: Mauled by a unicorn
45. Mauled by Unicorn!

#24: Drop it off a building
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.

Twinkie, Mentos, Diet Coke
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!

#48: Death by Hanging
48. Hang it.

 

#49 Keith Richards and Twinkies
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.

Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.

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Reader Comments (7)

Gasp, not the Twinkie! Poor Hostess. I remember featuring the original post on EdibleCrafts.CraftGossip.com back in '08. Had to feature again today. Save the Twinkie!
What a totally fun post. I personally like the Twinkie Hot Dogs. Poor twinkles get a bad rap. Can't remember the last time I ate one... maybe like 6th grade?
January 11 | Unregistered CommenterRecipeGirl
Saw this on Twitter and I am amazed and in awe of your creative scope! This is truly a tour de force; well done.
January 11 | Unregistered CommenterHappy Gourmand
BEST POST EVER......well best post ever that relates to how to kill a Twinkie :) Seriously loved how creative you got.....wonder if this has anything to do with Hostess going BaNkRuPt.
January 13 | Unregistered CommenterMighty Morgan
This made my day!
January 13 | Unregistered CommenterMarisa
This is so funny. I realy needed a laugh today. Thanks
January 15 | Unregistered Commenterellenw1122
We are all so sad to hear of Hostess's demise. What will the world do without Twinkies? How will we survive the Apocalypse?
November 17 | Unregistered CommenterJewels S.

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