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Monday
Aug102009

Sweet Surrender: A Little Debbie Death Match

Little Debbie Death Match
Oh, Little Debbie. You loyal lunchtime companion, you siren of saccharine sweetness. With you, we've unwrapped so many smiles--and you've never asked for anything in return.

Which is all to say, Little Debbie, that you never did anything to deserve what follows...but in the dark reality of the real world, sometimes bad things happen to good people. Yup--it's time for a...

Little Debbie Death Match

 

 

But first, to get some important information out of the way:

What have you done? A side by side comparison of several Little Debbie treats to see which one will rise victorious through various challenges. Winners were determined simply: at the end of each challenge, which seemed the most edible? (Though, as a disclaimer, we did not eat them afterward)
Little Debbie Display
Which Treats Were Used? Since the Little Debbie line boasts over 50 varieties of snack cakes, it was elected (for the sake of brevity, and to conserve cash) to choose just four treats that would be representative of some of the major textures and flavors; ultimately, it was narrowed down to the following contenders from their list of bestselling treats: Cosmic Brownies, Oatmeal Creme Pies, Swiss Rolls, and Zebra Cakes.

Why Did You Do This? To see which snack cake is truly superior. And also, you know, for fun.

 

Let the games begin:

Challenge One: Death by Boiling

Objective: To see which treat would last the longest when dropped into a pot of boiling water.
See you in hell, cosmic brownie!Still alive!
Brownie: Dude. This brownie was a survivor--while the icing melted fairly quickly, even after six minutes the cake part was holding strong and still retaining much of its original form. It wasn't until minute seven that it began to fall apart.
See you in Hell, Oatmeal Creme Pie!Oatmeal Creme Pie Boiling
Oatmeal Creme Pie: This little guy never stood a chance. Almost instantly the snack cake began to fall apart when it hit the boiling water; in under thirty seconds, it had completely liquefied, with not even crumbs remaining.
See you in Hell, Swiss Rolls!Swiss Rolls--After
Swiss Roll: These dudes were probably the luckiest of the bunch: since they come in pairs, at least they didn't have to die alone. When the rolls hit the boiling water, the chocolate glaze melted almost immediately, with the cream filling following in short order--however, the cake held on for dear life, slowly unraveling and remaining solid (albeit bloated and soft) for a good four and a half minutes before the spongy pieces began to fall apart. 
Boiling a Zebra cakeDeath to Zebra Cake!
Zebra Cake: The first thing that happened was that this cake seemed to dissect itself: the top icing and middle creme layer began to melt, thus separating the cake layers, which then began to expand in the water. The pieces held steady for nearly five minutes until they began to disintegrate.
Winner: Cosmic Brownie, which not only lasted longest but also retained the best form.

 

Challenge Two: Death by Car
Objective: To see which treat would fare best when run over by a car.
Cosmic brownie about to be run overSweet Roadkill
Brownie: Held its form surprisingly well, considering that it was a frosted brownie--no frosting stuck to the car wheel. Perhaps because it was so oily? This one was definitely the most interesting to look at, too.
Oatmeal Creme Pie about to be run overRoadkill
Oatmeal Creme Pie: Like the brownie, this little sandwich cookie fared pretty well, retaining its general makeup and not even losing much filling. 
Swiss Roll about to be run overSweet Roadkill
Swiss Roll: Total Goners. They stuck everywhere: the tire, between the treads, the ground. It was grisly.
Zebra cake about to be run overSweet Roadkill
Zebra Cake: Not much better than the Swiss Rolls--it seemed as if this snack cake exploded under the weight of the car. 
Winner: Oatmeal Creme Pie. While it was a hard decision between this and the brownie, ultimately the fact that the filling was intact made it slightly more appetizing.

Challenge Three: Death by Flight
Objective: To see which snack cake would fare best after being dropped from a second-story window.
Fallen brownie
Brownie: After landing on its side, Brownie almost looked normal...but upon closer inspection, had a strange and unnatural twist in its side. Sure, it survived...but it would never be the same.
Oatmeal Creme Pie after falling
Oatmeal Creme Pie: The cookies acted as a protective buffer, and quite honestly, this one probably just could have been dusted off and given to a friend, and nobody would have been the wiser.
Fallen Swiss Cake Roll
Swiss Roll: The roll cracked open at the seam, allowing the sweet cream to ooze out--the equivalent of a confectionery head wound?
Massacre! Creme FillingFallen Zebra Cake
Zebra Cake: Poor, poor Zebra Cake. This one fared the worst, hitting a step on the way down and leaving a sad trail of creme filling as it went. Zebra Cake was so not okay.
Winner: Oatmeal Creme Pie. It didn't seem to have suffered very much at all, other than collecting some dead leaves and dust.

Challenge Four: Death by Mr. CakeSpy
Objective: To see which treat will fare best when jumped on by the mighty Mr. CakeSpy.
JumperDanny jumps on it
See? He meant business. 
Brownie after being jumped-on
Brownie: Not so bad at all. It definitely suffered, but didn't lose its form under the weight of the mighty jump.
Oatmeal Creme Pie, Smashed
Oatmeal Creme Pie: Sure, it's only a small bit of creme filling poking out of the top cookie...but who's to say it's not a cookie concussion, bound to claim the cookie's life at any moment?
Smashed Swiss Cake Roll
Swiss Roll: Oh, poor swirly treats: the creme that makes them so delicious was also their downfall, popping out at the ends and rendering them limp and a shadow of their former selves.
Ouch!
Zebra Cake: Though the form was somewhat intact, the moment the cellophane was lifted, half of the frosting and cake came with it. Another one bites the dust.
Winner: Brownie. It was close, but ultimately the Oatmeal Creme Pie looked like it might not survive.

 

Which Snack Takes the Cake? Looks like it's a tie between the Oatmeal Creme Pie and the Brownie--but if you want a sweet survivor, stay away from the the iced snack cakes--they're total softies.

Conclusion: Overall, these Little Debbie treats are hardier than you might think: they're willing and able to withstand all sorts of hardship and will generally remain surprisingly edible. Of course, whether this information is comforting or horrifying is up to you. Naysayers may express horror at the health implications of ingesting foods that won't die. But isn't it much nicer to think that if you grew up eating them, you might have absorbed some of these sweet super powers?
Little Debbie Death Match

 

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Reader Comments (55)

If that's not proof you shouldn't eat them, I don't know what is! haha. Rumor has it the cake donut is vegan.

I'm partial to the cosmic brownie (though it does tend to have an oily sheen) and the oatmeal cookie. Loved the boiling test.

August 11 | Unregistered CommenterKim Bagwill

Love it! Well done!

August 11 | Unregistered CommenterJen

All that sweet sugary goodness wasted.

August 11 | Unregistered Commentermike

Awesome post! Yeah, I used to envy all my friend's who would have those treats packed in their lunches. Challenge Two is my favorite. Did you clean off the tires or just let it be so you could spread a little Debbie essence all over town?

August 11 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna

ur blog rockzzz. heres an apple 4u Ѽ

August 11 | Unregistered Commenterulla britt♨

Love the fact that the http://twitter.com/LittleDebbie" rel="nofollow">Little Debbie people twittered about this....

August 11 | Unregistered CommenterBob

My kids and I loved it!

August 11 | Unregistered CommenterGibson Family

Got those Cosmic brownies in the snack drawer right now. My kids love them! ICK!

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterBethie

Ha ha.. gotta love it! :)

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterCheri

I so needed this!!! Thanks for the early morning laugh. It really made my day!

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterNikiTheo

How dare you waste food like that ? Do you realize some of us can't even afford buying treats to our kids? Next time you feel the urge to throw cakes away please send them to underprivileged children instead. THEY'll appreciate them.

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterSandra

Hilarious!!! You know what I truly appreciated....how cute the Little Debbie brownies were. I had no idea they had so much color.

Carrie
www.bellacupcakecouture.com

What a stupid waste of food!

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

That was too funny.
Ever since I learned how to bake my own sweets, I can't really stomach much of the artificial-tasting snack cakes out there....with one exception...once in a great while I'll get a craving for Little Debbie Banana Twins...yes they are too sweet but I love banana-flavored anything.

August 12 | Unregistered Commentertortatebukura

That was fantastic!

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

I do love it when you go all postal on the processed sweets. BTW... so sorry I have been absent on the Chicago cake walk. Still on my mind.... just a crazy summer....

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

My fav oatmeal cookie did pretty well. I'd have been grossed out however if you'd a done a taste test with the tire contestants.

August 12 | Unregistered Commentermissbmckay

Sooo funny!!!!

I agree with Sandra and Jenny. This was a total waste of food and money. You state that "Little Debbie" asks for nothing in return, but you forgot that they ask for money in return, which has been hard to come by for many, especially lately.

While I found the experiments somewhat interesting, I kept getting increasingly bothered as to how much food was wasted with every pointless activity.

On the other hand, at least it wasn't me wasting my food and money haha. If you have the resources and don't feel guilty for wasting food considering the starvation and poverty rate around us, then do what you want to do. It's your life and your resources.

August 12 | Unregistered CommenterMemória

This made me laugh so much! Thanks!

I love this! but what was the point again? LOL

August 13 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

I thought it was a fun read, which is really all you can hope to ask from a blog of any kind. This blog in particular is always extremely enjoyable! Always a lot of interesting info and a great sense of humor.

August 13 | Unregistered CommenterDane

Grizzly, morbidly fascinating, entertainment for the masses and you didn't even have to pay the stars the grossly high wages that other actors recieve...so waste of resources, I think not.

August 14 | Unregistered CommenterSandi Oh

Oh Jessie, you are just the right amount of twisted. I almost peed my pants reading "Suck it, Swiss Roll!"

Thanks.

August 15 | Unregistered Commenterjen
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