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Sunday
Nov232008

Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!

It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:


Twinkie #1: Die, Twinkie, Die!Twinkie #1: Dead
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.

 

Twinkie #2: Dead!Twinkie #2
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.

Twinkie #4
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.

Twinkie #5twinkie side view
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)

5. Shank it. 

Twinkie #6
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.

Twinkie #7: Listening to Randy Newman
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
8. Take it to a fat camp and see how long it lasts.

 

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
9. Teddy Graham attack!

Twinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling water
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.

Twinkie #10: In the grate!Twinkie #10: In the grate!
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.

Twinkie #11: Hurled at the Space Needle
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)

Twinkie #12: In the StreetTwinkie #12: Roadkill
13. Make it into roadkill.

Twinkie #13: Being Kind
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).

Twinkie #14: Impaled!
15. Impale it.

Twinkie #15: Chop it in Tiny Bits
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.

Twinkie #16: Make Croutons
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.

Twinkie #17: Make friends eat Croutons
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).

Twinkie #18: Salt
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?

Twinkie #19: Microwave
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.

Twinkie #20: Go all Damien Hirst on itDamien Hirst Twinkie
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!

Twinkie Tiramisu
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.

#22: Feed it to a snake
23. Feed it to a snake.

Twinkie #23Twinkie #3
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.

#41 Put bleach in its coffee
25. Put bleach in its coffee.

#23: Twinkie cut in half
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.

Twinkie Hot Dog
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!

Twinkie #27: Chair balance
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.

Twinkie #28: Heart Attack
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.

Twinkie Mad Science
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.

Twinkie #33: Instant breakfast
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!

Twinkie #31: Alcohol poisoning
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.

Twinkie #32: Death by literature
33. Use it as a bookend.

#33: Godzilla kills twinkie
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.

35. Dehydrate it.

#35: Give it to a Guinea Pig
36. Give it to a guinea pig.

#36: Skewered Twinkie
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?

#37: Twinkie Sushi
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)

Twinkie #39: Give it to Mariah Carey
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.

40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.

 

Twinkie Zombie attack!

41. Zombie attack!

 

Frozen Twinkie
42. Freeze it

#43: Death by kitchen fan

43. Put it in the kitchen fan.

 

#45: Doorstop
44. Use it as a doorstop.

#46: Mauled by a unicorn
45. Mauled by Unicorn!

#24: Drop it off a building
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.

Twinkie, Mentos, Diet Coke
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!

#48: Death by Hanging
48. Hang it.

 

#49 Keith Richards and Twinkies
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.

Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.

Reader Comments (94)

So now I'm craving Twinkies. What does that say about me?!

Thanks for the smilz!

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterSandy Smith

Hahahahahaha!
That guinea pig looks horrified by the twinkie...

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

this is a such fun read
:)hehehehe

That is so funny! Also living in Washington, I think I would have left one as a food offering to the Freemont Troll :)

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterDiana

LMAO oh my I'm in fits of giggles here ... Brilliant post!!

Rosie x

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterRosie

Brilliant post..hail to twinkie..thou immortal stuff...loved reading and laughing along the way !

This is great! I love it... very clever.

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterPeppercorn Press

Wouldn't one of your suggestions be considered guinea pig abuse?

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterMarjie

Oh hey, thanks for the link to the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project. I was just following links from a friend's blog and then it was like, hey, I know that logo!

Not sure why when we microwaved it, all we got was smoke. Your translucent goo is muuuch cooler.

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterTodd Stadler

Brilliant! I love the Mariah Carey one, and it would totally work to fix the wobbly chair :)

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterNQN

This was so great! I want to use the pic of the twinkie eating a cheeseburger and put it on a shirt!! <3

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterAurore

Awesome! So funny, I can't even pick a favourite!

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterY

Genius! Simply brilliant.
That Twinkie didn't stand a chance.

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterTea

Okay...so now I seriously want a Twinkie crouton (is there anything wrong with thinking that looks amazingly delicious?). And love the "Heathers" reference. :-)

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl Wray

gosh, i am glad i am not twinkie...although i kinda like being sat on for a long time LOL

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterMochachocolata Rita

brilliant as always!

November 26 | Unregistered Commenteralicia

So funny! I love it! I do feel bad for the twinkie though. :(

November 26 | Unregistered CommenterThe Blonde Duck

I'm just jealous I didn't think of this first. Brilliant!

November 26 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

oh! i am loving the pics that go with the crimes! perfection. thank you for sharing!

November 26 | Unregistered Commenterjek-a-go-go

WOW, what an effort and yes, I'm LOLing!

November 26 | Unregistered CommenterPeter M

TOO. FREAKING. FUNNY.

November 26 | Unregistered CommenterVeggieGirl

You guys have too much free time :)

November 26 | Unregistered CommenterCynthia

I love the guinea photo :D! I'm partial to guineas, I used to have 2! I bet they'd squeak for a bite of twinkies :)!

November 26 | Unregistered CommenterSophie

Brilliant! That just brightened up my inbox on a horrible, cold, miserable thursday morning!! :)

November 27 | Unregistered CommenterSal

I wish I were you!!!
This looks like so much fun!!!
i want your life :)

November 27 | Unregistered Commenterpea & pear
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