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Sunday
Nov232008

Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!

It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:


Twinkie #1: Die, Twinkie, Die!Twinkie #1: Dead
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.

 

Twinkie #2: Dead!Twinkie #2
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.

Twinkie #4
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.

Twinkie #5twinkie side view
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)

5. Shank it. 

Twinkie #6
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.

Twinkie #7: Listening to Randy Newman
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
8. Take it to a fat camp and see how long it lasts.

 

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
9. Teddy Graham attack!

Twinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling water
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.

Twinkie #10: In the grate!Twinkie #10: In the grate!
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.

Twinkie #11: Hurled at the Space Needle
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)

Twinkie #12: In the StreetTwinkie #12: Roadkill
13. Make it into roadkill.

Twinkie #13: Being Kind
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).

Twinkie #14: Impaled!
15. Impale it.

Twinkie #15: Chop it in Tiny Bits
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.

Twinkie #16: Make Croutons
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.

Twinkie #17: Make friends eat Croutons
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).

Twinkie #18: Salt
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?

Twinkie #19: Microwave
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.

Twinkie #20: Go all Damien Hirst on itDamien Hirst Twinkie
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!

Twinkie Tiramisu
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.

#22: Feed it to a snake
23. Feed it to a snake.

Twinkie #23Twinkie #3
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.

#41 Put bleach in its coffee
25. Put bleach in its coffee.

#23: Twinkie cut in half
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.

Twinkie Hot Dog
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!

Twinkie #27: Chair balance
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.

Twinkie #28: Heart Attack
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.

Twinkie Mad Science
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.

Twinkie #33: Instant breakfast
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!

Twinkie #31: Alcohol poisoning
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.

Twinkie #32: Death by literature
33. Use it as a bookend.

#33: Godzilla kills twinkie
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.

35. Dehydrate it.

#35: Give it to a Guinea Pig
36. Give it to a guinea pig.

#36: Skewered Twinkie
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?

#37: Twinkie Sushi
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)

Twinkie #39: Give it to Mariah Carey
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.

40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.

 

Twinkie Zombie attack!

41. Zombie attack!

 

Frozen Twinkie
42. Freeze it

#43: Death by kitchen fan

43. Put it in the kitchen fan.

 

#45: Doorstop
44. Use it as a doorstop.

#46: Mauled by a unicorn
45. Mauled by Unicorn!

#24: Drop it off a building
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.

Twinkie, Mentos, Diet Coke
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!

#48: Death by Hanging
48. Hang it.

 

#49 Keith Richards and Twinkies
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.

Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.

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Reader Comments (94)

You naughty girl. Santa's not going to be leaving you any Twinkies in your stocking unless, he's needs a shot of rolling on the floor funny!

November 24 | Unregistered Commenter~~louise~~

It's official - you have too much time on your hands! And, it's lucky for us that you do. Very good fun!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterDana McCauley

Twinkie croutons, oh gosh!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

So fun. Love the dramatization of the snake! I've never tried a Twinkie, but I want to now!

I love it! The teddy graham attack is so cute. And I love the twinkie sushi!!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

lol Poor Twinkies! Despite all of that, they stuff manage to hold on.

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterThe Duo Dishes

that was awesome and gross.
i hate twinkies~ even looking at them makes my shoulders tighten up.
i don't know why.

glad you destroyed the twinkies.
just don't hurt my sweet
ding dong:)

November 24 | Unregistered Commenterbonnie

Love it!!!! Your creativity never ceases!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterStef

Hilarious! hahahaha!!!!!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterElle

Waaay too much time on your hands.
Have you considered applying for a job ?

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterUmesh

this is too funny! I can't imagine what the postal workers thought when they saw the one that went through the mail!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

Ha poor twinky !! funny though

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterSnooky doodle

The wobbly chair and doorstop idea have some merit...Encased in plastic, laid end to end, twinkies may procure a soft landing for those in need of one.

November 24 | Unregistered Commenterfeathermar

That was too much fun. And the twinkie crutons look kind of good...does that make me gross? I just think fried anything would be good...

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterBrittany

HA HA!! This is so awesome. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. My favorite has to be the squished book end. Don't know why-just love it!

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa Contessa

So funny! I especially like comparing Keith Richards to a Twinkie.

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterCookie baker Lynn

You've made it, Cakespy! After this post, nobody never anywhere can not love your blog!
Hahaha, really funny. Thanks for sacrifiying all those Twinkies for blogging purposes.

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterIsa

hi jessie! do you know erwin wurm the artist? this post reminds me of him, and 2 minute sculptures... twinkie doorstop... ! heehee funny post!!

November 24 | Unregistered Commenterlyndsay

this is like your blogging masterpiece.

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterLydia

Ooo! Ooo! This was just awesome. How much do I love the snake? How much does it remind me of the snake in Le Petit Prince? Words will never express.

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterSeamuffin

That is fun out of food...!!
http://www.thefind.com/food/

November 24 | Unregistered Commentergisselle

That's just brilliant!

November 25 | Unregistered Commentertamarindandthyme

hear that? it's a standing ovation from me to you. :)

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterGrace

Ahahahah! Look I'm 50! This is too much! Fun, fun fun!

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterClumbsy Cookie

Hehe, the Space Needle was most amazing

November 25 | Unregistered CommenterCassykins
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