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Sunday
Nov232008

Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!

It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:


Twinkie #1: Die, Twinkie, Die!Twinkie #1: Dead
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.

 

Twinkie #2: Dead!Twinkie #2
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.

Twinkie #4
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.

Twinkie #5twinkie side view
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)

5. Shank it. 

Twinkie #6
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.

Twinkie #7: Listening to Randy Newman
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
8. Take it to a fat camp and see how long it lasts.

 

Twinkie #8: Teddy Graham Attack
9. Teddy Graham attack!

Twinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling waterTwinkie #9: Assaulted with Boiling water
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.

Twinkie #10: In the grate!Twinkie #10: In the grate!
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.

Twinkie #11: Hurled at the Space Needle
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)

Twinkie #12: In the StreetTwinkie #12: Roadkill
13. Make it into roadkill.

Twinkie #13: Being Kind
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).

Twinkie #14: Impaled!
15. Impale it.

Twinkie #15: Chop it in Tiny Bits
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.

Twinkie #16: Make Croutons
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.

Twinkie #17: Make friends eat Croutons
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).

Twinkie #18: Salt
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?

Twinkie #19: Microwave
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.

Twinkie #20: Go all Damien Hirst on itDamien Hirst Twinkie
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!

Twinkie Tiramisu
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.

#22: Feed it to a snake
23. Feed it to a snake.

Twinkie #23Twinkie #3
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.

#41 Put bleach in its coffee
25. Put bleach in its coffee.

#23: Twinkie cut in half
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.

Twinkie Hot Dog
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!

Twinkie #27: Chair balance
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.

Twinkie #28: Heart Attack
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.

Twinkie Mad Science
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.

Twinkie #33: Instant breakfast
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!

Twinkie #31: Alcohol poisoning
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.

Twinkie #32: Death by literature
33. Use it as a bookend.

#33: Godzilla kills twinkie
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.

35. Dehydrate it.

#35: Give it to a Guinea Pig
36. Give it to a guinea pig.

#36: Skewered Twinkie
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?

#37: Twinkie Sushi
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)

Twinkie #39: Give it to Mariah Carey
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.

40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.

 

Twinkie Zombie attack!

41. Zombie attack!

 

Frozen Twinkie
42. Freeze it

#43: Death by kitchen fan

43. Put it in the kitchen fan.

 

#45: Doorstop
44. Use it as a doorstop.

#46: Mauled by a unicorn
45. Mauled by Unicorn!

#24: Drop it off a building
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.

Twinkie, Mentos, Diet Coke
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!

#48: Death by Hanging
48. Hang it.

 

#49 Keith Richards and Twinkies
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.

Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.

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Reader Comments (94)

ANY death by Heathers reference.... brilliant.

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterEBSanders

What a great distraction from work! Thanks for entertaining me for a few minutes!
The Godzilla picture is amazing!

November 23 | Unregistered Commenterthecakeninja

Hilarious! I love the Teddy Graham attack. Can't believe the postal service sent the twinkie. I'm going to have to try that!

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

You are too funny! I love the teddy graham attack and the mobster cut up. But, seriously, there all pretty funny. Thanks for making my night.

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterReeni

What an outrageously awesomely funny post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This post was the highlight of my day.

I think how you leave out the photo of Twinkies being "shanked" to death. :]

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterSimply Nichole

Twinkie croutons crack me up!

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterWendyB

I never, ever thought I could feel so sad and sorry for a Twinkie.

November 23 | Unregistered Commenterpaintandink

I can't stop laughing seeing your photos :D

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterArfi Binsted

I have got to get better at Photoshop!!! Great post -- made me laugh out loud.

I love Twinkies.... just send them to me. :)

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterL

This is hilarious! I love that you mailed it in a CLEAR envelope! Don't you wish you could hear what was said as it passed hands at the post office?!? :)

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterBridget

You are so cruel!!! It pains me to read this, because I was known as "Twinkie The Kid" in middle school, since the Twinkie was my dessert of choice in my lunch box. Now, years later, those Twinkie sushi actually look pretty good to me. Did you ever taste "Undescended Twinkies?" It's kind of a trifle dessert of Twinkies floating on a Creamsicle sea of Orange Jello and Cool Whip. A real crowd pleaser!

lol @ Damien Hirst!

You are so weird. :)

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterHoneyspy

Hilarious. I can't imagine how long it took to come up with all those!

Um, did the guinea pig survive? ;)

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterRicki

You are crazy funny! I like your snake dramatization.

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterBakerella

They're all hilarious! This post made my day =)

November 23 | Unregistered Commentertoxobread

Bless you and this post. I was in complete awe during all of my index finger scrolling. I am twittering this post for sure.

November 23 | Unregistered Commenterrookie cookie

The snake illustration was my favorite for sure, but all around this tickled me.
There is no link for the twinkie sushi though, and I'm just dieing to know what the original story was on that!

November 23 | Unregistered CommenterPinky

hahahahah totally cracked me up. SO FUNNY! :) Especially like the one when it was squashed at the bbq pit, I felt a weird sense of accomplishment when I saw the before and after photo of it. lol.

Amsie.

November 24 | Unregistered Commentercuriousfoodie

Oh...wow. Someone's had too much sugar me thinks! ;-)

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterCookie Jill

Thanks for the good laugh!! I think you may have had too much time on your hands this weekend!! :)

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterNikki V

How creative.
LOVE it

November 24 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

VERY funny, and your rings are beautiful!

Why do you even have Randy Newman on your iPod?! Be careful... you may be arrested for cruel and unusual punishment/torture...

November 24 | Unregistered Commenterbigspoonbakery
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