It's been proven in horror movies again and again: when you dabble in mad science, there will be casualties. Suddenly, people and things change into something else...something evil. Case in point: Frankenstein; Night of the Living Dead; Pet Semetary.
It was in this state of mind that we decided to go all mad science on a bowl of Halloween candy. Our weapon of destruction? The Microwave. We microwaved various Halloween treats in 30-second increments to see which would last the longest--and which ones would succumb easily and quickly to their fate, by popping or exploding or bubbling up. Why did we do this? Well, why do we watch horror movies? Morbid curiosity, the desire to feel alive...and you know, for entertainment.
Here are the scary results:
Victim 1: The Snickers Halloween Ghost. The Snickers ghost had a frightening little face, which made it all the more apt when his inner filling exploded after about a minute and a half and his smile was cut in half. "Oh" he seems to be saying, "it smarts!". Overall though, this was a pretty clean and quick goodbye.
Victim 2: Tootsie Rolls. We chose a grouping of three 'rolls, including lime, the little-seen vanilla and the classic chocolate (that is what it's supposed to be flavored, right?). It took about 2 minutes, but they dissolved into a very satisfying goo, the green portion of which was not unlike the slime we remember from the You Can't Do That On Television days.
Victim 3: Russel Stover Buzzard Nest. We weren't quite sure how this one quite worked as a Halloween treat--we suspect it was leftover Easter chicks' nests repurposed for the fall--but whatever reasoning behind it, the fact is that this candy simply would not die. At two minutes, it had barely broken a sweat; at three, four and five minutes, still nothing. It wasn't until minute six that the chocolate even began to melt away a little bit and the candy coating on the jellybeans began to give way. While we admire how long this candy held on, we're not sure if we would ever wanna put it in our bodies.
Victim 4: Dots. What are the odds that our box would have ONLY red (and one orange) candy? These ones didn't look like they were going to break down, until minute three, when a small popping sound could be heard. Though they were still solid, when prodded with a fork they kind of exploded open into a visually satisfying, viscous jelly-mass. Mmm, undead Dots.
Victim 5: Tootsie Pops. How many licks does it take to get to the center? Who cares, when you can see how many minutes it takes to melt them into oblivion? It took about 2 minutes til the Orange pop was toast. Strangely, the grape pop still seemed to be holding its ground even while the orange candy began bubbling up and turning orange. Freaky.
Victim 6: The Whitman Sampler. The Whitman Halloween sampler is a lie: it's just wrapped in different paper! After discovering this we didn't feel at all bad about melting them. After just about a minute they were starting to sweat--at two minutes, they had all exploded, leaking sweet fillings all over the plate. Rest in Peace, fair Whitman Sampler.
Victim 7: Reese's Peanut butter Cup. In retrospect, this was the most beautiful demise of all: after about a minute and thirty seconds, the chocolate was beginning to melt; by two and a half minutes, it had melted into an elegant, accordionesque pattern, and still actually looked appetizing. Would you judge if we admitted we split this one and did in fact eat it?
The Final Word: OK, OK, so we should say that we don't necessarily suggest that you try this at home. However, we're glad that we were able to conduct this experiment--now that it's done, we feel as if learned a few things about Halloween Candy--and, you know, the dark parts of our souls.