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The Horror: When Bad Things Happen to Good Candy

Killed them dead
It's been proven in horror movies again and again: when you dabble in mad science, there will be casualties. Suddenly, people and things change into something else...something evil. Case in point: Frankenstein; Night of the Living Dead; Pet Semetary.

It was in this state of mind that we decided to go all mad science on a bowl of Halloween candy. Our weapon of destruction? The Microwave. We microwaved various Halloween treats in 30-second increments to see which would last the longest--and which ones would succumb easily and quickly to their fate, by popping or exploding or bubbling up. Why did we do this? Well, why do we watch horror movies? Morbid curiosity, the desire to feel alive...and you know, for entertainment.

Here are the scary results:

Snickers Pumpkin HeadSnickers Pumpkin head--killed!

Victim 1: The Snickers Halloween Ghost. The Snickers ghost had a frightening little face, which made it all the more apt when his inner filling exploded after about a minute and a half and his smile was cut in half. "Oh" he seems to be saying, "it smarts!". Overall though, this was a pretty clean and quick goodbye.


Tootsie RollsTootsie Rolls
Dead Tootsie Rolls

Victim 2: Tootsie Rolls. We chose a grouping of three 'rolls, including lime, the little-seen vanilla and the classic chocolate (that is what it's supposed to be flavored, right?). It took about 2 minutes, but they dissolved into a very satisfying goo, the green portion of which was not unlike the slime we remember from the You Can't Do That On Television days.  

Buzzard NestBuzzard Nest
Six Minutes
Victim 3: Russel Stover Buzzard Nest. We weren't quite sure how this one quite worked as a Halloween treat--we suspect it was leftover Easter chicks' nests repurposed for the fall--but whatever reasoning behind it, the fact is that this candy simply would not die. At two minutes, it had barely broken a sweat; at three, four and five minutes, still nothing. It wasn't until minute six that the chocolate even began to melt away a little bit and the candy coating on the jellybeans began to give way. While we admire how long this candy held on, we're not sure if we would ever wanna put it in our bodies.

DotsDead Dots
Victim 4: Dots. What are the odds that our box would have ONLY red (and one orange) candy? These ones didn't look like they were going to break down, until minute three, when a small popping sound could be heard. Though they were still solid, when prodded with a fork they kind of exploded open into a visually satisfying, viscous jelly-mass. Mmm, undead Dots.

Tootsie PopsKilled them dead
Victim 5: Tootsie Pops. How many licks does it take to get to the center? Who cares, when you can see how many minutes it takes to melt them into oblivion? It took about 2 minutes til the Orange pop was toast. Strangely, the grape pop still seemed to be holding its ground even while the orange candy began bubbling up and turning orange. Freaky.

It's the same as the regular sampler!Sampler ChocolatesDead!Sampler--Dead!



Victim 6: The Whitman Sampler. The Whitman Halloween sampler is a lie: it's just wrapped in different paper! After discovering this we didn't feel at all bad about melting them. After just about a minute they were starting to sweat--at two minutes, they had all exploded, leaking sweet fillings all over the plate. Rest in Peace, fair Whitman Sampler.

Reese's CupMelty
Victim 7: Reese's Peanut butter Cup. In retrospect, this was the most beautiful demise of all: after about a minute and thirty seconds, the chocolate was beginning to melt; by two and a half minutes, it had melted into an elegant, accordionesque pattern, and still actually looked appetizing. Would you judge if we admitted we split this one and did in fact eat it?
The Final Word: OK, OK, so we should say that we don't necessarily suggest that you try this at home. However, we're glad that we were able to conduct this experiment--now that it's done, we feel as if learned a few things about Halloween Candy--and, you know, the dark parts of our souls. 
Happy Halloween!



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Reader Comments (49)

I used to melt peanut butter cups and then spoon it over ice cream. It was a tasty treat! And you are right, there is something beautiful about the cup melting away :)

October 31 | Unregistered Commenterslowlikehoney.net

good going you sweetie murderer!! ;-) You clearly have too much time on your hands tonight!!

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterSam

You know what's awesome? Put a mars bar (do you have those in america?) or even a milky way in the microwave until it explodes into lava-esque gooey goodness and scoop some ice cream on top. Sooooo good!!!

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterEmma

There's definitely evil lurking behind that sweet facade....insert maniacal laughter here)

I've never even heard of a Buzzard's Nest, but I now know not to consume one. Skeery! ;)

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

Veddy, veddy skerry. I'm glad I'm not made out of chocolate. Happy Halloween!

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterDana McCauley

can i just tell you how much i ♥ you?! your postings just make my day! an vanilla tootsie rolls are awesome. i used to buy the multiflavored bags just to eat the vanilla, then i found a bag of just vanilla, and then i od'd on them. but it was worth it!

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterBethany

Can I live inside your head for a couple of days? This is so funny!

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterClumbsy Cookie

The melted peanut butter cup really does look pretty. The buzzard's nest, however, is pretty terrifying.

October 31 | Unregistered Commenteramanda

THis made my Halloween.

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

gosh, the messed up candy gave me chills down my spine... i hate to see candy and chocolate this way! *sniffles* *sniffling*... gosh. *sobs*
i love chocolate! now i feel like its been brutally harassed. *sobs*

October 31 | Unregistered CommenterWana

i've always wanted to melt different candies in the microwave. thanks to you i wouldnt have to! well okay, maybe i'd do the reeses over and over coz that's just delish!

October 31 | Unregistered Commentersharyl

So cool! And now we all know, thanks for spreading the knowledge. =)

October 31 | Unregistered Commenteraleta meadowlark

This blog was quite humorous. It reminds me of the time when I blew up peeps from Easter in the microwave.

November 1 | Unregistered Commenterculinarycory

Undead Dots!!! I love it! You are just too much. The PB cup does have a certain ballarina tutu flair, doesn't it. Too Funny!!

November 1 | Unregistered CommenterTeaLady

Yea! I love this post and may have to ressurect the Link of the Week for you guys. I feel like that last Reeses, btw.
GREAT photos.
Happy Halloween to all.

November 1 | Unregistered CommenterJeanna

Hilarious. Every year at work, we used to do this with various candy corns and such. hilarity.

November 1 | Unregistered Commentermaybelle's mom


November 1 | Unregistered Commenterweleuoiu

YOu are friggin HILARIOUS! I am wanting right now to go and microwave a cheezie. But I won't.
I will NEVER eat another tootsie roll again,haha

November 1 | Unregistered CommenterLyns

What a sweet experiment!
The melted Reese's cup does look quite interesting and lovely =]

November 1 | Unregistered CommenterJackie

who had to do the dishes?

November 1 | Unregistered CommenterKrysta

I would have been upset if you hadn't eaten the Reeses PB cups. My favorite candy ever!

November 1 | Unregistered CommenterSheLikesToTravel

Oh yum...I'd eat the melted Reese PBcups. What tough cookies the buzzard eggs turned out to be...more trick than treat for the microwave! You had fun experimenting...well done Jessie!

i deem this a worthy sacrifice of candy. :)
seriously, what fun! and you're right--the peanut butter cup looks quite lovely in its half-melted state. and i, too, am curious about the intended flavor of tootsie rolls, 'cause it sure ain't chocolate. :)

November 2 | Unregistered CommenterGrace

Ha! I can see it was an horrific and appalling Halloween night in Seattle. Good work!

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