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Thursday
Oct162008

Letter to the Editor: Mellowcreme Strikes Back

Mellowcreme strikes back!
To Whom It May Concern at "Cakespy":

My name is Mellowcreme Pumpkin and I would like to comment on your recent article "Cake Poll: Fall Treats". In reading through your reader responses I notice that the confection known as "Candy Corn" has attained far more votes than me in the race to determine the superior Halloween Confection. It has brought me to only one conclusion: either this poll has been funded by "Candy Corn" or "Candy Corn" has paid off said readers for a positive response.

Mellowcreme strikes back!
In defense of my superiority, allow me to point out some important issues which I hope will make readers reconsider their vote:

 

  • There's simply no delicate way to state it other than to say Candy Corn is a Conehead. Do you really want to associate yourself with a piece of candy whose claim to fame is a resemblance to a washed-up vintage Saturday Night Live character? 
  • Candy Corn is skinny. They say never trust a skinny chef--I say never trust a skinny candy. Even considering Candy Corn's unbecoming "junk in the trunk", you'd still have to eat at least three of them to equal one of me. 
  • Seeing green: There's a lot of value put on being "green" in society these days. Well, do you see a trace of green on Candy Corn? No way. I'm the only confection in this mixed bag of candies to contain green. You know what that means? I'm practically a vegetable! Clearly I'm the healthiest choice, not to mention I have a more visually pleasing palette. 
  • Mellowcreme strikes back!
  • The press agrees: According to Serious Eats, Candy Corn is "the fruitcake of halloween candy" and one of the 10 worst Halloween candies to give out. While some of you may argue that my ingredient list is the same, I don't see any pictures of Mellowcreme Pumpkins on that list, so clearly I am a confection of a higher caliber. 
  • I've inspired poetry: for a case in point, check out the beautiful poem "Ode to a Mellowcreme Pumpkin" by McPolack, Inc. Here's an excerpt:
Oh, sweet, sweet mellowcreme pumpkin...let's get together tonight in front of the Gilmore Girls
Where I will feast upon you until I very nearly hurl
They don't put nearly enough of you in the Brach's Autumn Mix.
Have you ever seen a poem about Candy Corn? Well, have you? William Wordsworth would surely agree, I am the superior candy.

Mellowcreme strikes back!
I will close by imploring the readers of "Cakespy.com" to reconsider their vote. There is still time to remedy this voting travesty; consider your integrity here. Sure, "Candy Corn" may have dazzled you, what with its showy three colors and unusual shape. But please, look deep in your hearts--and stomachs--because I've got a lot of sweetness to share, if you'll just give me a chance.
Respectfully yours,
M. C. Pumpkin

Mellowcreme strikes back!

 

 

 

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Reader Comments (62)

Mellow Creme, unfortch I have never had the pleasure of enjoying one of your kind. Perhaps MCs are not available in Canada. Just how mellow are you? And how cremey instead of creamy? Are you"creme" filled like a Cadburys egg? Do you taste of candy corn albeit in a different shape? One day I would like to discover this, in my own Canadian way. Until then, on aesthetics alone, I have to go with the geometrically pleasing/1970s colored enemy. (PS the neighborhood where I grew up, mini boxes of Sun Maid raisins were the most loathed of Halloween "treats")!!
:)

October 16 | Unregistered Commenterlyndsay

This made my day. I love you Mellowcreme!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterWendyB

hahahahaha....this was a riot....I love the fight scene...hehehehe

how do you come up with this stuff...love it!!!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterDiana Evans

Dear Mr. Pumpkin,

I don't remember if I voted for you or your opponent, Mr. Corn, but I remember having a difficult decision, as I do enjoy you both. However, I take issue with your viscious attack on Mr. Corn. You and Mr. Corn have basically the same platform, and your implication that readers have been paid off by Mr. Corn is simply insulting. Where are the facts to back up this assertion? The public deserves to know what your allegations stem from, or whether you have simply made this up.

Sincerely,

Noisy Penguin

October 16 | Unregistered Commenternoisy penguin

I love them both!!!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

Bwaaaahahahahahaha! This is priceless! You made my day! :D

Dear Mr. Pumpkin,

I must admit that I am not well acquainted with you or your platform, so I must agree with Noisy Penguin and take issue with your attacking style.

As a voter, I would prefer that you focus on how you you will make the world sweeter, as opposed to focusing on your candidates faults.

Can you please tell me your stance on free candy for all, as well as the status of candy as a member of the Food Group list?

Sincerely,

A concerned voter

October 16 | Unregistered Commenterpaintandink

We have Brach's in Canada. This cracks me up, because I always went for the fat pumpkin dude. If Mum said I could have 5 pieces ... well, I would have not been too bright to pick the corn. All I could hope for was a little corn to be stuck to the punpkins butt. Have a great day you silly fun sweets Gangstah you!!!
Lyns

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterLyns

HA!! Lol!! How hilariuos!! Thanks for puttin' a smile on my face!!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterPrudence

This just makes my day! :) Stand Strong, Candy Corn!!! Candy First!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterBridget

Jesse, you are a goober and I love you for that! Mellow creme for your tenacity, I change my vote to you :)

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterC.L.

This is the cutest thing I've seen all day.

Still, MC Pumpkin, I have never seen a vegan version of you, while there is at least one vegan version of Candy Corn floating around the internet. As such, I must deem you inferior. Good Day!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterRural Vegan

MellowCreme - for the record, you are the bell that sounds when fall has arrived. My first bag of MellowCremes is eagerly anticipated by everyone in our home. And one bag is never enough (in fact, it lasts not a day!).

Corn has nothing on your luscious texture and shape. You are simply delightful.

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterLily N.

I voted Candy Corn and I'm standing by my man...er, choice.

While MellowCremes are tasty individuals, I like the way I can bite off individual colors of the Candy Corn. The dissection appeals to the neat freak in me. :)

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterOwl Chick

That was so adorable! Mellowcreme puts up a good argument. I love you mellowcreme!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterReeni

Love it! I voted for you mellowcreme! Down with candy corn!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterJodie

Ha, I haven't laughed so hard in awhile. Maybe I need to get out more :)

I love you both, though Mr. Mellowcreme, you sometimes give me a sugar headache. I suppose I also get the same headache when I down a whole bag of your "skinny" friend. So, perhaps you're not so bad after all.

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

Oh, MC Pumpkin, how I love thee. I voted for you vehemently in the poll, as you are my true Halloween Candy favorite. In fact, you have inspired me to make a MC Pumpkin post on my foodie blog. Support the MC Pumpkin, the superior honey flavored Halloween confection!!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterMehgan

oh my sweet mellowcreme~

i voted for you!
i am even planning a special
cupcake~ just to honor you.

xxxxxx~
bonnie

October 16 | Unregistered Commenterbonnie

how cute :)

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterSnooky doodle

I am laughing so hard that I can hardly breathe. Mellowcreme, take heart, the battle has not been lost!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterFuji Mama

You crack me up and make me smile! Love it!

Ahahahahahah! This was so funny! Oh fellow Mellowcreme I voted for you, i also thing candy corn is a conehead!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterClumbsy Cookie

Ok the mellowcreme about to shank the corn??? Friggin' priceless. And I'd like it on the record that I went for a very bi-partisan Mellowcreme/Candy Corn Mix!

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterEB

That has to be the cutest thing I've ever seen. I just want that little Pumpkin Melly for my very own and tuck him in at night! I think I need to go change my vote...

October 16 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa Contessa
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