Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie

Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!

It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:

1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.


2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.


3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.


4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)

5. Shank it. 

6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.

7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.

8. Take it to a fat camp and see how long it lasts.


9. Teddy Graham attack!


10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.


11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.


12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)


13. Make it into roadkill.


14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).


15. Impale it.


16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.


17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.


18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).


19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?


20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.


21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!


22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.


23. Feed it to a snake.


24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.


25. Put bleach in its coffee.


26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.


27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!


28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.


29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.


30. Go all mad science, like these people did.


31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!


32. Give it alcohol poisoning.


33. Use it as a bookend.


34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.

35. Dehydrate it.


36. Give it to a guinea pig.


37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?


38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)



39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.

40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.

41. Zombie attack!

42. Freeze it

43. Put it in the kitchen fan.



44. Use it as a doorstop.


45. Mauled by Unicorn!


46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.


47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!


48. Hang it.

49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.

Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.